January 2012
252 posts
Why you should never drunk text a Whovian.
A friend of mine randomly got a drunk text from a stranger. She then did something that has earned my respect and awe. A transcript of her conversation follows. Some of this may be familiar to you.
Warning: VERY LONG. Also, words that I don't like have been bleeped out. Use your imagination.
[Transcript] Drunk Person: "tortyly drunk riht now. straight men everwhere."
Erykah: "Oh, thank God! I finally made contact! Listen, I need your help, but you're in great danger."
DP: "ni**a say wat?"
E: "Listen, my name's the Doctor. I'm a time traveler, or I was. I'm stuck in 1969 with my friend and I need your help to get my spaceship back."
DP: "u hav a spceshit?"
E: "Yes. It's a big blue box that says 'Police Call Box' on it."
DP: "dat doesnt sound liek a spceshp. gay."
E: "Hey! Don't diss the TARDIS!"
DP: "tarsiddd???"
E: "No. TARDIS. Time And Relative Dimension In Space. You see, I'm a Time Lord from ANOTHER planet called Gallifrey."
DP: "y u not there now?"
E: "Well...A long time ago, there was a war and all my people died except for me. I'm the last Time Lord. So I travel through time and space lending a hand wherever I can."
DP: "woahhhh. thats relly sad."
E: "Yes, it is. But now is no time to cry. You're in a lot of danger and you need to help me."
DP: "waot. how r u in 1996?"
E: "I'm in 1969. And it's really complicated."
DP: "oh."
E: "People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but actually from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint, it's more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey stuff."
DP: "im cofussed."
E: "Well, try and keep up! Never mind the wibbly stuff. All that matters is that they've taken it! The angels have the phone box."
DP: "wut angels?"
E: "Have you ever seen like a statue of an angel? At a church or a cemetary or something?"
DP: "ya."
E: "Well, they're not angels. They're creatures from another worlds. Aliens like me, except they're very, very bad."
DP: "dat maeks sense. they alwys creepeed me out. i thought theyre jus statues tho."
E: "Good eye, you've got. But they're not. They're only statues when you're looking directly at them. Once you look away, they become deadly."
DP: "whaaa?"
E: "Listen, Lonely assassins, they were called. No-one knows where they came from. They're as old as the universe, or very nearly. They've survived this long as they have the most perfect defence system ever evolved. They are quantum-locked. They don't exist when being observed. The moment they're seen by any other living creature they freeze into rock. No choice. It's a fact of their biology. In the sight of any living thing, they literally turn to stone. And you can't kill a stone. Course, a stone can't kill you either. But then you turn your head away, then you blink, and oh, yes it can! Notice how they always look like they're crying in the cemetaries? They're always covering their eyes?"
DP: "dats nuts! ya, ive seen dat."
E: "There's a reason for that. They're not weeping, they can't risk looking at each other. Their greatest asset is their greatest curse. They can never be seen. The loneliest creatures in the universe. And I'm sorry, I am very, very sorry, it's up to you now.
DP: "but wut can i do? tis was all thrustted uopn me!"
E: "The blue box, it's my time machine. There is a world of time energy in there they could feast on forever. The damage they can do can switch off the sun. You have got to send it back to me!"
DP: "ahhhhhh!!! im scrrd! idk wut 2 do! im srsly gon hav a pnic attck."
E: I'm afraid I can't help you any further. I'm stuck in 1969, but I think you're clever enough to think of something. FIND THE BLUE BOX AND GET IT BACK TO ME! The angels have it and you NEED to find it or it's all going to be over."
DP: "dont go doctr! help me!11211!!"
E: "They're coming. The angels are coming for you. But listen, your life could depend on this. Don't blink! Don't even blink. Blink and you're dead. They are fast, faster than you can believe. Don't turn your back, don't look away, and don't blink! Good luck!"
DP: "ik! angels hng out in gravyards rite? ill check thar 1st."
E: "Wherever you feel the need to look. I have no idea because I'm trapped 42 years in the past. Wherever you do go, just remember DON'T BLINK."
DP: "omfg. holy shit. i'll find teh box and teh angels and ill text u wen i find it. goodbi doctr. uve liked changgged me life."
[/Transcript]
December 2011
46 posts
Ladies & Gentlemen, I give you, the 2012...
Michelle Bachmann: "Don’t misunderstand. I am not here bashing people who are homosexuals, who are lesbians, who are bisexual, who are transgender. We need to have profound compassion for people who are dealing with the very real issue of sexual dysfunction in their life and sexual identity disorders.” (2004)
Ron Paul: "The rate of AIDS infection is on the increase again. From the gay point of view, the reasons seem quite sensible. First, these men don't really see a reason to live past their fifties. They are not married, they have no children, and their lives are centered on new sexual partners... because sex is the center of their lives, they want it to be as pleasurable as possible, which means unprotected sex. Third, they enjoy the attention & pity that comes with being sick." (1995 in a newsletter)
Rick Perry: "I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm a Christian, but you don't need to be in the pew every Sunday to know there's something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military but our kids can't openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school. " (2011 in a campaign ad)
Mitt Romney: "I should tell my story. I'm also unemployed." (2011 while speaking to unemployed people in Florida. Romney's net worth is over $200 million.)
Newt Gingrich: "She's not young enough or pretty enough to be the wife of the President. And besides, she has cancer." (1994, about his first wife)
Rick Santorum: "Is anyone saying same-sex couples can’t love each other? I love my children. I love my friends, my brother. Heck, I even love my mother-in-law. Should we call these relationships marriage, too?" (2008)
Michelle Bachmann: "Carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful. But there isn't even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas." (2009 during a debate)
Mitt Romney: "PETA is not happy that my dog likes fresh air." (2006, when questioned about driving 12 hours with his dog in a cage strapped to the top of his car)
